Tag Archives: bisexual

Sincerely, Anonymous

I’ve been staring at the computer screen for days now and have written nothing. I just don’t know where to begin. How do I put these feelings and thoughts into words?

The problem is there is no way for any of you to “understand.” Maybe you can relate, or maybe you can empathize, but how can I help you understand something I can’t even understand myself.

Here it goes.

I’m a girl. I love music. It is everything to me. I’m an artist. I’m clumsy and easily distracted.  I’m a hard worker and always take on way more than I can handle. I love sports. I have a short temper, and I love alone time. I love nature and hope to travel the world. I have high respects for people who are kind, and I’m a sucker for funny people. I’m a girl that has dreams, goals, flaws, a future, a past, AND I just happen to be bisexual.

That is a scary thing to admit. One of my biggest fears was disappointing my parents. What would they think of me if I told them? Could or would they be proud of a bisexual daughter? Does God love His bisexual daughter? They seem like silly questions now. My sexuality does not define me or my actions. It is a part of me, and it is a challenge that I will have to struggle with every day for the rest of my life. But that label does not mean that I have sinned. I am not ashamed of it. And I shouldn’t be. Obviously, there will be specific struggles that I will face as a bisexual Latter-day Saint, but I know that they can’t keep me from living a fulfilling, and gospel-oriented life.

As I’ve learned to accept who I am, I’ve come to understand how infinite God’s love is. He hasn’t left me alone in this. He loves me no matter what, and He knew who He was giving this challenge to. A tough girl who has learned to admit when she needs help. A tough girl who takes every challenge head on. A tough girl who likes to beat the odds. A tough girl who wants to be the best person that she can be. But I’m also a girl that feels insecure and irrelevant sometimes. My sexuality has made me more empathetic and non-judgmental, but I won’t lie and say it hasn’t crippled me in some ways. I hate not being able to understand why I am the way I am. What does this even mean? Why is this one of the challenges God gave me? How am I going to fit in the world? Am I significant, even though I’m broken? This is a time where I just have to trust God, despite all the hurt, insecurity, and doubt. The Savior’s Atonement is infinite and intimate, and I can find grace, mercy, and peace by using it. God loves all of His children and He understands, when no one else can or will.

You know, the world is going to be ugly. People are going to be mean. They’ll disagree. They’ll judge. They’ll share their opinions, no matter how disrespectful and ignorant they are. I know that the world can be cruel. That doesn’t surprise me. But I would be lying if I said it wasn’t also beautiful. I’ve met such kind-hearted and supportive people. People that make the world breathtakingly beautiful. People that I see the reflection of Christ in. I haven’t told very many people that I’m bisexual (never really found it necessary to share with more). Only a few close friends and a few immediate family members know. For some (my parents) it was tough for them at first. They were shocked and frustrated. Sad that I had another big, life-long trial to carry on my back. But every single one of them have been so supportive. None of them know what it means, but they’ve shown me grace and love when I couldn’t give that to myself. That support means the world. It makes the temptations a little lighter. That’s something I really encourage and hope for the world. That we can all be supportive and loving with the LGBT community. I don’t expect anyone to understand or to agree, but I do expect a universal and unbiased love.

For the LDS community (and many other churches), we dedicate our lives to be more like Christ. Christ loved and forgave all. He didn’t look at people and see “overweight,” “socially-awkward,” “illiterate,” or even “gay.” He knows we are all sinful and broken, but He sees us in a light of love, a light of compassion and mercy. I wish that was something I saw emulated in our people. My hope is that in time, we can live and think that way.

I am girl. A girl that happens to be bisexual. A girl that is ready for change in the world. A change that requires a change of heart and mind. A change that’ll bring about the BEST world. You in?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Being Bisexual in the Church

Being a member of the church is hard enough sometimes, but it’s much harder when you are of a different sexuality. It’s a taboo topic, no one talks about it, and, as a group, many pretend it doesn’t exist.

Guess what? It does.

We could argue all day about what statistics say and how many people out of one congregation should be of a different sexual orientation than straight, but one thing is clear. There are members of the church who are of different sexual identities. We are in every congregation and are affected by what is said around us. Every day we have to fight a battle within ourselves that no one sees.

I realized that I was attracted to women, as well as men, when I was fifteen. I was friends with everyone, and got along really well at school, but for some reason rumors about me always crept up. I had people constantly asking me if I was a lesbian or if I had really kissed this random girl they heard about. I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about and hadn’t even put thought into my sexuality because no one had challenged me on it.

Like many of us have before, I denied it­—to myself and to the school—until I met a girl I was actually interested in, and I realized suddenly that everyone had been right about me. My world seemed to collapse inward, and I had no idea what to do or what all of this meant. However, I knew when it all started that this would be a big mess with the church. No matter how anyone looked at it, what I felt was frowned upon, and no one could know.

Let’s call this stage, the mask stage. This is the stage in which we wear a mask for everyone and show them the person they want to see, not who we truly are. I felt constantly worn down by wearing this mask. I wore it with my family, my friends, my teachers—anyone and everyone. I came to realize that I couldn’t do this forever, someone had to know. I had to find someone I could be entirely myself with, who would understand what this meant in every part of my life. Including church.

This person ended up being my father. I know that most of us at some point have told a parent or family member and everything hit the fan. However, my experience with telling my dad was far from one of these experiences. We had been talking about “controversial” subjects, like weed, abortion, and marriage. At some point within the conversation, I began to tear up and wouldn’t look at him. He noticed this, and asked what was upsetting me. He put his arm around me, hugged me tight to his side, and told me that I could tell him anything. It was then that I, through my ugly crying and mini panic attack, told him that I was attracted to women as well as men. He laughed.

Not in the way you’re thinking, though. He pulled me closer to him and said, “Oh sweetheart. I know. You were born that way. If that’s what you need to do to be happy and be the best version of you that you can be, I will fully support you. Do what is right for you.”

This made me question, what was right for me? Was it the church or something else?

The real question was, could I be a part of the church and feel like I was being true to myself?

I began a journey to find out what I was supposed to do. A question that constantly crossed my mind was why God would make me like this if it was going to only cause problems with my life and the church.

After a while, I realized that that was exactly the point. I don’t mean to sound big headed, but I had always had it easy when it came to social interactions. My family was active in the church, and I was a golden child. There had to be a wrench thrown in in order to make me grow and become who I needed to be. I realized that for me, it was absolutely crucial that I was made this way. If I am to stay in the church, I will be an asset to any group I am put in. I more easily understand the misfits and the more inactive people. I understand how to talk to them and make them comfortable. I know what they need to hear, and I know that more than anything, they need me to love them and not judge them. Love can turn everything around.

I know this, because that’s how I am. When I have been inactive, it was always a loving leader or friend who got me to come back around. Loving those around us regardless of what is going on with them is vital, and I understand that. Would I understand that if I didn’t have to go through all of this stuff with being bisexual? Maybe, and then again maybe not. The point is, the Lord knows me and what I need. There is a reason for this and everything else that has gone on in my life.

I could say that this realization made me sure that I wanted to stay in the church, but honestly I haven’t made that decision yet. It’s something that I will struggle with for a long time, but we all do. That’s something that you must know. We are all struggling with something, every single one of us. You are not alone in this, nor will you ever be. The amazing thing is that you have your choice, and you and the Lord knows what is right for you. I struggled for a long time because I was so sure that I was alone— that I was the only one to have doubts.

Truth is, we all have doubts. It is only human nature to question and doubt. You are not the only person asking questions. It may feel like it, I have been there, but everyone questions. Even that girl at church who seems perfect. My Dad always told me that church was like a hospital for our souls. Everyone goes there to get better. Some people are more sick than others, but if you stop going to the hospital, how can you expect to get better? You aren’t there for anyone but yourself. No one else’s opinion matters, you are there to make yourself better. Even if it is just showing God that you are willing to give him some of your time. The time He gave you.

The decision with what to do with your sexuality and the church is a hard one. No one can tell you what is right, that is something you must figure out. Whether this be through writing in a journal, personal prayer, or talking with someone, you can find your answers. Follow what you feel is right in your heart. It is possible to be true to yourself and still be a member. The Lord knows what you are going through and He can strengthen you and guide you, if you ask for His help.

Don’t let the world tell you that you are less than what you are. Your feelings are legitimate, and this all is no accident. You affect everyone around you, and you are important. You’re important in a monumental way you will never be able to comprehend. So love yourself, love your beliefs, and be true to what is right.

We can do this.